When an adult child violates our values, makes poor choices, or gets in deep trouble,we often question our parenting abilities. Our doubts shout at us:
- Was it something I did?
- Would this have happened if I’d been a better parent?
- Would this have happened if I had been more spiritual,or if we had prayed more
as a family? - Would this have happened if my marriage hadn’t failed?
- Would this have happened if we hadn’t argued so much?
The what-ifs can paralyze our souls and wreak havoc on our confidence asparents.One of the greatest heartbreaks for a parent is watching a child waste his orher life, potential, or opportunities with poor choices.
One woman said to me, “I’ve beenthrough a lot of pain in my life, but I’ve never felt heartbreak like I have through the poorchoices of my kids.” A friend of mine whose son struggled with drug and sex addictionsput it this way: “It feels like a death. Or at least the death of a dream. No doubt about it,‘big children bring on bigger problems.’”
When your young-adult kids have serious adult-sized problems, the kind that can deraila healthy and productive life, your heart may break, but your child’s choices don’t haveto break you. Your child’s regrettable decisions do not make you a bad parent.Evengood parents have children who make poor choices.It may be too late for prevention, but it’s never too late for redemption. Miracles dohappen. Sometimes they take the form of a rapid change, but most times they are aslow climb toward a better life.
Author C.S. Lewis wrote, “Hardship often prepares anordinary person for an extraordinary destiny.” Your child’s failures may well become thefoundation for a whole new life. This is the power of redemption.
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR ADULT CHILD MAKES REGRETTABLE CHOICES
No one said parenting a child who violates your values would be easy, but the bestchance for success is when there is good communication and understanding betweenyou. Here are some strategies that work.
Offer your adult child tough love.
Tough love is a disciplined and strongly expressed boundary to promote responsiblebehavior and long-term change. You offer tough love when you set firm limits andenforce consequences.
Tough love might mean not allowing a drug-using adult child tomove back into your home without first getting help. Tough love is not being willing tobail your son out of a financial crisis one more time, even if it costs him dearly.
Thepurpose of tough love is to stop the problematic behavior and encourage positivegrowth and responsibility in your adult child.
Don’t confuse tough love with meanness.The purpose of meanness is to be hurtful, which is the opposite of tough love.Toughlove is intended to put your child on the path to healing and wholeness.
Don’t bail them out.
If you take on the consequences your child should be experiencing, you are robbingthem of an opportunity for growth and change. Their crisis doesn’t need to be yourcrisis.
Crisis is almost always self-defined, which means that what you consider to be acrisis may not be a crisis to your child or vice versa.Don’t allow your adult children tomake their problems your problems.
Don’t be a one-topic parent.
Even in the depths of heartbreak and worry, you still need to bring a balanced approachto the relationship. You don’t have to give up your values to keep the relationshipstrong.
I know a woman whose daughter had left her family’s values behind and wasliving the life of what might be called a party girl. When the woman asked me what sheshould do, I said, “Since she already knows how you feel, take her to dinner once aweek and talk about other things. Get to know her beyond what is breaking your heart.”It worked! Eventually, her daughter turned the corner on her choices.
Don’t dump your anger and frustration on your child.
It’s never a good idea to dump our “stuff” on them. If you need to have a conversation,and you will, make sure you aren’t just unloading your feelings on them. That will onlylead to resentment and further distancing.
Even in the toughest times, endeavor to betheir greatest cheerleader. A good friend of ours was deeply upset by her daughter’s irresponsible sexual behavior and unwed pregnancy. But she was determined tomaintain their relationship and found the strength to be the main support for herdaughter through the pregnancy. Did she still need to vent her anger and frustration?Yes, but she did that with a trusted friend and not her daughter.
Find support for yourself.
Sometimes the most difficult grief to bear is one that comes from watching our childrenlive with self-destructive decisions, and this is something we just can’t do alone. Whatare the replenishing and supportive relationships in your life?
A healthy and supportedparent has a much better chance of helping their adult child. A dad at our churchbrought up his son’s drinking problem in a men’s group he attended. It was a smartmove because he needed the group’s support and encouragement. He also admitted tohis men’s group that he had a drinking problem as well, and they helped him find atreatment center. The day after he entered treatment for his alcoholism, his son followedhim into the treatment center.
The dad’s willingness to seek help and support was theturning point that changed his son’s life.Never underestimate the power of seeking outsupport for yourself.
Relinquish your children to God’s care.
Releasing your children to God’s care is adaily act of the will. God loves our children even more than we do. The act ofrelinquishment is seldom easy, but it is of utmost importance.
This is the prayer I prayeach day: “God, I release my children to Your loving care and tender mercies.”
Yes, it’sthat simple. Every time I pray that prayer, it’s a great reminder that God is in charge andI am not.
Whatever the issues causing your heart to break, remember that ultimately,the question in the heart of your adult child is, “Do you still love me?” Although it cantake a great deal of discipline, we can shower our adult kids with love even when theywander off the path we had hoped for them.
Excerpted with permission from Doing Life with Your Adult Children by Jim Burns,copyright Jim Burns.
